Is my flatmate possibly bigoted/prejudiced and what to do?
I am in second year of uni and had to move back into Halls as I couldnt get anywhere to live for accommodation elsewhere.
I am sharing with four other girls; one I am really close to and we get on great, the other is also really nice and we can have a laugh, the other is ok; friendly but is quite loud (likes to slam doors alot etc), and the final one has turned against me completely.
When I met everyone at the beginning, they all seemed nice. They still are except for this one.
I have mental health problems- depression and Borderline Personality Disorder, but otherwise manage it from day to day. Some days are worse than others, but with the help of medication, a support network and keeping well (exercise etc), I am ok. I also have a “special needs” plan for likes of exams at uni and any support like counselling as and when required so doing ok.
From time to time, there can be triggers which may upset me and make me quite down though. With anyone who has a little bit of an understanding of a PD, you can feel quite abandoned (real or imagined), and with being at uni etc, and experiencing a few personal problems, I have encountered this, and resultingly may isolate myself in my room alot studying and have little contact some days when I feel crap.
I have told my flatmates, and they have been great (partcularly the one I am close to, as she has depression as well). However, I felt that when I mentioned (I didnt say about the BPD though), this to the flatmate I mention, it was like she took a funny attitude to me. We are both doing healthcare degrees, mine is nursing, and hers is occupational therapy. I said to her one day that OTs may get to go out to the likes of psychiatric hospitals to help with rehab. When saying this, she went a bit weird and said “Oh, are they not a bit dangerous?”. I was quite hurt, but explained that not everyone who goes to a psychiatric ward is “dangerous”.
Also, there have been some days when I have been upset with someone on the phone and had a loud argument with them. I know some of the flatmates have been in the hallway at the time, and may have heard, but I always apologise and explain.
Just the other week, I had loads on to deal with; the prospect of having to go to a colposcopy clinic for yet another abnormal smear result (nurse said originally, it MAY have been cancerous), plus I had to revise for an exam I had yesterday which was mandatory I got, else I would have not been allowed to continue my course, leave Halls and pay back my accommodation etc. The good news is, I passed my exam (quite well, I heard from the tutor), and the result of the clinic is I dont have cancerous cells.
Still, one night, all the flatmates congregated very late in the corridor during a week night (12am) and had a loud conversation. I went out and politely but firmly asked them to keep the noise down a bit. Everyone was great and apologised, except for her, who glared at me.
Ever since then, she's been really weird with me. I have apologised and explained to her, and what can happen sometimes, but she started saying things like “what about your placement”, fitness to practice etc. When me and the flatmate I am close to were in the kitchen the other week, she came through with one of the others and ignored me completely, sitting away from us at the table. When I got up to leave with my flatmate, she then moved to sit where I had been sitting.
Since then, I have seen her around uni and she has been throwing me the most dirty looks ever. Also, she went mad for me spilling a couple of drops of strawberry juice on the kitchen floor.
I have spoken to the girl I am close to, and she has said she probably doesnt mean it, but I know she does and I am hurt. What can I do? Is she prejudiced? Will I need to speak to the accommodation department about the atmosphere it's causing? Thanks
EDIT: That's a very good point Kovy. Reason I said prejudice originally was because of her reaction when I mentioned the placements etc. I dont think it's right to think that everyone in a psych hospital is dangerous and unruly. Could be right when you say about she doesnt like me generally, but hey, that's her problem! ;)
You can't control another's hostile feelings. She may have just heard BPD and went off. Maybe she doesn't know much about it.
I'm a social worker and have some experience coaching relationships. You shared something with this girl that might have been better kept to yourself. She also may be reactive to others, not just you, but it's out now and whatever her motivation to treat you in a dismissive or even negative way is not something you have any power over.
It's a plus to have a close friend in the room. I would confine any sensitive subjects to her confidence alone.
Beyond that, i am a patient, nearly by profession, and i have had nurses as well as doctors share their own medical and emotional trials with me. None of us are free from baggage and one CAN (and so many do) perform their jobs well and deal effectively with their own private issues. Her negative attitude is more crippling than your own BPD and that would be more limiting to her career than a young woman who is trying to make her way in school with any personality disorder.
Don't let her remarks shake your own self confidence. She could be projecting her own fears onto one she deems weaker. It has little to do with you, actually, and everything to do with her.
My advice is to find out all you can of your own condition. While i have no titles for you, find some good books. Aks you doctor or psychologist. Many, many young women share the BPD dx, and whether this is simply the condition du jour (as HDHD and other disorders seem to have been at times) or actual reality, it is a disorder and not organic mental illness. It's origins, while partly inherited, are controversial and socialization has much to do with it.
Reporting her as problem should be your last resort. If you cannot work out a livable arrangement with her, then do what you must, but dealing with her directly (or ignoring her problem completely) will better prepare you for other like issues. Intervention by a third party does not teach you to cope with such conflict and that's a good lesson to learn no matter who you are or what you have to deal with.
You will be better able to cope when you become an expert on YOU. You will learn much by reading, perhaps joining a support group with other young women who have BPD and comparing notes and strategies. In the future, i would not share this outright. It is unfair, but stigmas exist for everything from blue eyes to piercings and so the more you know, the better prepared you can be to deal with the ignorance or even backlash from others. It's not about stopping them, but about learning to cope with it yourself.
You sound like a very sensible, thinking young woman. As you move on, learn more, i have no doubt you will come to terms with your own understanding and find confidence in your own insights.
Isn't it a shame that the doctor that failed to help Baby P (peter) is too ill to attend her disciplinary?
A doctor accused of failing to spot that Baby Peter was suffering abuse days before his death is ‘suicidal' and unfit to appear before a disciplinary hearing, the General Medical Council heard today.
Consultant paediatrician Dr Sabah Al-Zayyat was due to face misconduct allegations at a GMC fitness to practise panel in central London this morning.
But the hearing was halted after being told that her mental health had ‘broken down' and she has left the country.
The poor woman!
How long will she be able to escape facing the music with a sick note I wonder?
That's ok Libertine, she's gone home to wherever she learned her particular way of being a Doctor. I just hope that our NHS aren't stupid enough to be paying her a pension, she should be jailed!
What can i do about getting ripped off by my gym?
Many people are disgusted and tired with these companies trying so hard to rip people off in these hard times. Something needs to be done, a light needs to be shed on these conniving jack-wagons.
I recently tried to cancel my membership with Urban Active Fitness. It was an absolute nightmare to say the least. I paid the “last month's” fee in advance as usual. The process to cancel the membership, I found out, was as complicated as they could make it. They ASSUMED I had a printer because the only way to cancel a membership was to download and print-out a form, fill it out and mail it in. I suppose it would be too easy to be able to call in a cancellation, or even maybe a little link on the web perhaps? No, that would make it easy and they want you to get frustrated and procrastinate and put it off for another month so they can deduct your credit/debit card. Which is mandatory for membership. Funny how they can seem to use technology to its fullest on that front. I'm a first year student at UC as a computer engineer and even I could construct a function
that would allow members to update/cancel membership plans with minimal effort.
Back in early Oct 2010 I went into their office and asked to speak with someone about canceling my membership, only to receive the cookie cutter response about they're ridiculous cancellation process. I informed them that I did not have a working printer at that moment in time and could not afford to buy a new one, so there must be another way to cancel the membership, short of voiding my card at the bank. So they finally decided to cancel my membership and charged me the $10 cancellation fee, which I was not informed about.
So I thought that mess was through. I was wrong. Yesterday Nov 17th they charged me $60 for another month's membership. I called them and was met with aggressive resistance and was finally explained that even though I paid the last months fee's in advance “the cancellation takes 30 days to process” (not if they didn't want it to, it wouldn't) thus, allowing another billing date to pass allowing them to charge for another months membership. That kinda makes paying the last months fee in advance a pointless waste doesn't it?
These people and others like them are “daylight robbers” if I've ever seen one. I know I am not alone in this.
I could do this all day.
Ive placed a stop payment on the card, and my bank will be “investigating”…..not sure what will come of that. I've also wrote a e-mail to the Cincinnati Bar Association to try and take legal action.
As well as writing a detailed letter to the Fox News team.
Any ideas what might come of this or ideas on how i can take it a step further?
I will have justice one way or the other. I prefer to try everything legitimately first.
Did you even read the description?
There was no set amount of time. It was month to month based. I paid my last months fee's upfront yet they still took a whole months fee a month AFTER i paid the $10 cancelation that they did not inform me of verbally or written.
So how about i get some responses from people who actually READ the question and not unintelligent opinions from people who can't see facts.
I am not asking them to bend over backward i asking them to give me my money that they STOLE from my account!
You signed a contract – they don't have to bend over backwards to make it easy for you to try to get out of your side of the contract.
You legally agreed to payments for them for a period of time – you are lucky they are agreeing to cancel it at all………………
Should obese kids be taken from their families by CPS to improve their health? See link below…?
…for story in Australia:
I have mixed feelings about this. Obesity is often caused or worsened by environmental factors, so removing a kid form their family for a while may have great health benefits. On the other hand, this seems like a very slippery slope. So many medical conditions are impacted by environmental factors, such a policy could be used to take almost any child from their family. Should government be limited in their powers even if the child's health and fitness are at risk?
This is very tricky, because, at first I'm thinking to myself that the government shouldn't be allowed to remove children from their parents based on obesity. Then I'm thinking that, if the parents are really the ones causing the problem and the problem has become very dangerous for the child, then that is a form of child neglect or even possibly abuse.
I think that sometimes social services gets carried away and removes a child from a home and asks questions later. We've all heard horror stories of blameless parents who lost their child(ren) and took years to recover them once a person or persons in social services had made up their mind about the case and that the parents were to blame.
However, we have all heard even more stories where children “fell between the cracks” and were horribly abused, neglected and even died or were intentionally killed by parents.
I wouldn't like to see something like this get way out of control, like two or three decades ago when some child caregivers were accused of abusing children and even spent years in jail before finally being exonerated. Turned out that social services were (most likely without malice) giving cues to the small children that made them agree that they had been touched inappropriately, etc. Just recently, there was the taking of lots of children from polygamists. Now, polygamy is against the law and I'm not defending it, but it turns out that the government had no right to take the children and had to return them. The incident was triggered by one anonymous telephone call and that was definitely an overreaction to take the kids without some further investigation.
The article you cited above says that this proposal would only take place after really everything else had been tried. I don't really like the government having more control over our lives, especially the ability to take our children. However, if a child's life is being endangered by incredible obesity and the evidence is absolutely incontrovertible that the parents are continuing to feed the child inappropriately, and the child is getting worse, not making any progress (children should be placed on diets where they lose weight slowly from what I've heard) then someone does need to step in.
If the child is old enough, perhaps the family could be educated as a whole.
This is a very good question for discussion. My final vote is that social services should be able to step in and remove a child for a time, until health is improved, and the family establishes sounder eating and exercise habits. The slippery slope here is, as always, who is making those determinations….let us pray that it would be intelligent and fair-minded individuals with a manageable caseload.
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